


Beautiful Addiction

by Irishgrlnextdoor



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BDSM, Bottom Rick Grimes, Consensual Kink, Consensual Sex, Face-Fucking, Fuckbuddies, Gags, Light BDSM, M/M, Paddle, References to Drugs, Scarves, Smut, Spanking, Top Negan (Walking Dead), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 19:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19410256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irishgrlnextdoor/pseuds/Irishgrlnextdoor
Summary: AU: No zombies. Normal world, but Rick and Negan have an alternative relationship together that they keep secret from everyone they know. BDSM warning (consensual).





	Beautiful Addiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hatterized](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hatterized/gifts).



> Gift for Hatterized, because her HUGE body of Regan works sucked me into this fandom in the first place so I hope to simply return the favor of giving back something fun to read. Everybody wins.

Every nerve in Rick's body felt like static. Raw, and so alive. Searching out any marginal sensation as it was presented to him.

At the moment there was nothing to experience, save for the constants. There was the constant sound of his panting around the ball gag firmly trapped in his jaw. There was the constant but slowly growing ache in his arms as they were held aloft; the pull on his wrists where they were spread and tied tight with silk scarves so they wouldn't chafe or cut his skin while they held him secure with no hope of breaking free.

The constants had him straining for every _new_ , however. Every new sound, every new touch, every new hint of what Negan might be up to.

Rick's ears compensated for the loss of his sight behind the red scarf tied over his eyes, and they perked up when he heard a soft tapping sound somewhere over his left shoulder in Negan’s bedroom. It sounded like a soft whisper of leather tapping against skin, though he felt nothing touching himself.

Rick had a hundred guesses as to what it was. Maybe Negan had the leather crop tapping against his palm. Maybe he just had a pair of leather gloves tapping absently against his hip before he decided exactly what he wanted to do to Rick and put them on. Maybe it was a cock sleeve, and he was about to truss Rick up in it to limit how hard he could get without it hurting.

That last option actually was a little too late, actually, because Rick was already fully hard and standing proudly out into the bedroom he could no longer see.

The first feel of Negan's bare fingers sliding softly over his left hip and across the roundness of his buttock drew a gasp around the gag, Rick ridiculously sensitive to everything when he was left so vulnerable and exposed like this.

"Easy," that deep voice rumbled softly into his ear, the man standing so close that Rick shivered to feel his warm breath ghosting over the shell of it.

"Easy there, Sugar britches. You can bet your fuckin’ dick that I’ll give you what you need; just in my own sweet time."

Rick forced his own breathing to calm a bit, unable to do anything about the way his cock throbbed desperately just from that rough voice making dark promises. Negan rewarded him by resting his warm hand fully upon Rick's hip.

"We haven't even done nothin' yet," that voice chuckled. "We're just getting started, so behave... or I will _make_ you behave."

Jesus, Rick could melt faster than ice in the hellfire that was this man when he promised or threatened quietly like that into his ear. He knew how capable Negan was of keeping both those promises by now. The promise of pleasure, the promise of pain. It really was up to Rick to choose. He could behave and have pleasure. Misbehave and have pain. Or he could walk the line and have both. Negan could be a generously giving man either way.

Or, honestly, he could drop his safe word or signal and receive neither, done for the night. Fantasy over.

This had started almost four whole years ago between them.

It was incredible that this ever came about at all. Rick had been lonely.

It seemed like a much lighter word than it truly was. The depth of it had been staggering, suffocating, and always closing in around him during his most vulnerable moments. He had been falling apart with stress and a general feeling of helplessness still a year after the sudden death of his wife. The guilt weighed heavier than anything, feeling like it was all his fault in some way. Besides feeling hallowed out by the void that Lori had left in his life, he had been desperate for some sort of retribution or forgiveness to be had on him.

The loneliness had weighed for months, ever more suffocating, and while Rick had been on duty one night he and Shane had been called to a local porn store to aid with a drunk and unruly customer. It was during the course of action that he had noticed a little flier on the checkout counter, a simple typed out list of personal ads and numbers to call for no strings attached companionship.

Rick hadn’t allowed himself to think about it as he snuck a copy into his pocket to look at later when no one was looking.

Some had been corny, or asked for extreme kinks he just wasn’t into. Negan's had been the only one to appeal. " _First-time advertiser looking for **discrete** fun- Switch seeking whatever_." And a number underneath that. Rick felt more at ease that they had made it known they were new to advertising for it, since he was new to calling about it, and being a cop he needed discretion even if nothing came of this in the end. Rick had toyed with it for a few days, mulling it over in his head while he told himself he wasn’t going to call. He wasn't really that desperate.

He had eventually called, and after a brief and -on his end- nervous conversation the man on the other end of the line suggested they meet somewhere public to talk about what they were looking for.

Taking a look back, it seemed like the rest had been easy. They had been attracted to each other straight off, comfortable with both being men. That attraction only grew the more they talked. They hadn't given last names that first meeting, just exchanged numbers, insisted on discretion because of work reasons on both their parts, and made an agreement to talk again soon.

Negan had called Rick before the end of that week to meet up for some light necking to see how compatible they could be, and it had evolved from there.

Now, four years later, they were still each other's dirty little secrets in a way, though there was little they didn’t know about each other's lives after so many nights together and had become fairly close even outside of their little arrangement. They had even gotten close enough to the point of being friends out in public, the cop and the school teacher. Rick's family and friends now knew of and believed he visited Negan's apartment once or twice week for poker nights or other hang out stuff. Guy time.

No one would have ever guessed Rick's hanging out involved a couple silk scarves and some incredibly strong hooks in the ceiling of Negan's bedroom.

They never needed to know.

It hadnt been planned on either of their parts to grow close, to become friends as well as fuck-buddies. It had never been planned that this would continue between them for four years behind closed doors. They had just clicked from the start, however, and Negan had proved to be something vital for Rick that he hadn’t even known he had been needing so much until he had it. Negan had gotten him instantly, being the same. Alone, mourning his deceased wife, and also had been just desperately looking for an outlet as well as a connection.

It was a hell of an outlet, but Rick found some therapy and self-healing in it, and Negan seemed to as well. On those nights that Rick felt overwhelmed, Negan could make him forget. When he felt guilty, Negan could give him punishment, and on nights when he felt powerless, Negan was willing to switch and give him something to control. Rick could do all that for the man in return as he needed it.

Negan's hand slid down his hip now, petting and soothing him. Rick knew he was trying to take his focus off of his other hand, and whatever leather object awaited him. "Fuck- so fucking beautiful when you're so rarin' to go for me. I got something I know you’ll love, but all the same, do you remember your stop-signal in case you need to use it?"

Rick did, nodding his head.

"Show me quick," Negan demanded in his ear, wanting them both to be clear before proceeding.

With a huff of impatient frustration at having to focus rather than feel, Rick shifted his stance and crossed one ankle in front of the other where he stood barely touching the floor.

Negan gave his ass cheek a soft pat in approval. "Atta boy. Don't hesitate to use it if anything feels off."

With the rules set, Negan resumed that seductive purr against the skin of Rick's shoulder, facial hair scratching lightly in a frame around his soft lips. "Do you know what this is then?" he smirked, sliding what was in his other hand down the small of Rick's back. "Nod yes or no for me, Sweet Stuff."

Rick closed his eyes behind the blindfold, feeling the size and shape of the leather touching his back. He nodded his head yes with a gasp of excitement around the gag. It was the paddle.

Coated with smooth leather and shaped like a ping pong paddle, it was versatile in impact play, able to be used lightly to feel more like dull swats, or more power put into the swing to leave a warm stinging burn behind in a relatively small but spread out area.

No risk of cuts like with a whip, no bruises like with a crop. A perfect in between for them. One of their shared favorites.

Rick could practically feel Negan’s smile from over his shoulder as the man slid it down over the globe of his ass and rubbed the soft leather over the skin there like a caress against him. Soft. Comfortable. Gentle. The complete opposite of how it would be in a moment.

"I hope you've been good since we last got together like this. Last time you were quite the little dirty boy. Remember what the number was last time? Thirteen! Thirteen times you had touched yourself, and thirteen times I had to make it all better by laying this against your tight little ass." His voice dropped just a bit, rasping directly into Rick's ear then as he moved closer. "I'm still not convinced you didn't drive that number up at all, Darlin'. We both know what a glutton for punishment you can sometimes be. So, what's the number this time? Count with me Rick- one, two, three, four, five, six seven, ei-

Rick made a noise deep in the back of his throat, bringing the count to a halt.

Negan's chuckle in his ear was pure sin. The rub of the leather across his ass was just as seductive.

"Seven... I guess I can at least believe that number. Try your best to count around that bit in your jaw. I wanna know you're here with me through them all."

Rick gave a final nod of his head to signal both that he understood and that Negan could start. There wasn’t actually anything wrong with Rick touching himself between these visits. Negan wouldn’t really get angry or punish him for something so natural. It had been Rick's idea from the start, a viable excuse for a standard punishment that he had control of. Rick wasn't a masochist- at least he didn’t think he was, not really loving of the pain- but the light punishments he sometimes had Negan put him through were almost cleansing in a way. They were safe. They took him out of his own head. They made the pleasure feel that much stronger. Most importantly for Rick, they drained him of some of the pent up anger and frustrations he carried around. It was like detox, and he could stand the pain for the sake of feeling clean on the inside for just a little while.

Negan gave his ass cheek a squeeze, humming softly in approval before taking a small step back.

The first one was light, it always was. Just a little harder than the swat of an annoyed mother that had Rick's leg twitch at the contact. He grunted a bastardised version of 'one' around the gag.

The second one was incredibly hard and precisely aimed on the same cheek, it always was.

Negan put some of his strength into it and the crack of leather on skin filled the room and Rick's head as pain lit him up from within whether he wanted it to or not. He needed it though. Fire consumed his ass cheek and blossomed down his thigh and up his back from the impact before turning to a potent sting that curled within him, taking his breath away.

He grit out a noise to indicate 'two'.

Negan was cruel with the next three. Three firm swats hit him one after the other in quickfire succession, the pain burning higher after each individual one without mercy and Rick jerked against his bonds to try to get away from them, but they were already done. His leg curled up into the air reflexively, trying to tuck in against his stomach though the scarves prevented him from sinking down into a more fetal position. He snarled around the ball as the pain shocked and burned through him till his eyes watered and his skin grew hot enough to sweat.

Negan was right there to slap the top of his raised thigh in a warning with the paddle, Rick whimpering at the new burn curling across his muscle there. "Feet on the floor," he ordered, sharply. "I still expect those last three counted."

Rick panted around his gag and tossed a couple sweaty curls from his face as he slowly uncurled his leg out from under him. "Eee. Or. I." was all that made it past the gag, and Negan chuckled darkly as he stepped back again.

Rick flinched when the paddle made contact with his one abused ass cheek, the skin nearly throbbing just from the soft leather against it. It wasn’t a swat, however, Negan was just holding it against Rick, making him feel it. Rick's entire focus narrowed down to that contact.

So focused was he on it and so tense in apprehension for the pain to come that he only felt it that much more strongly when Negan gripped his shoulder to steady him and delivered another hard crack across Rick's ass cheek.

The renewed fire forced rick to throw his head and cry out around the gag, fat tears welling in his eyes as he struggled through the pain licking over him. He just barely managed to groan out 'six'.

There was no thought in his head to trouble him in that moment. The world outside of them didn’t exist nor matter. All that mattered were the pain of the paddle and the sweetness of Negan's firm but reassuring hand upon him, telling him he was safe and cared for through it all.

"Goddamn, if you could see your ass right now," Negan rambled in a deep lustful voice that felt as soft against Rick's bared skin as the paddle had when it had just been resting there. "Looks redder than the hungriest cunt and feels twice as hot to the touch. And we still got one more to go. Jesus but it's already fuckin' perfect. Just fuckin' beautiful."

Rick shivered at the praise, but his attention was pulled from the pain as Negan stepped closer again and reached around Rick to palm his balls and wrap his large hand around his cock. His hand slid slowly over the shaft, the skin sliding under that firm but patient touch as he pumped Rick teasingly. "Beautiful on the front half too," the man purred in Rick's ear.

Rick growled softly around the gag, sounding more like a purr rather than the insistence he was trying to convey that Negan stop toying with him like a child playing with his food.

He didn’t feel like he could take it much more, and the way Negan stroked him... he wasn’t going to last if that kept up, his hips pushing forward into the touch against his own will.

"I know you like that, Sugar Squirts, but you're just gonna have to wait a moment."

That paddle came down hard on his cheek in a final swing, and Rick felt it even more sharply thanks to the willingness to open himself to the feel of Negan's touch on his cock. The tears ran down his cheeks, just a couple and he might have screamed if not for the gag, whimpering around it as sweat coated his back and forehead from the heat of the pain as the fire of it licked up his back and down his thigh, ass cheek burning hot. 

Immediately after he weakly grunted out his version of 'seven' Negan was right there at his side, tossing the paddle over onto the mattress of his bed and running his hands over Rick's arms, chest, sides and face to assure him and bring his cognitive mind back to the surface. Those strong hands holding his head between them grounded him, and Rick melted into the soothing touch. "Fuckin' beautiful!" Negan praised with a genuine smile. "You were fuckin' beautiful. Took it like a champ. Shit, you were an utter mess after thirteen last time, but who could blame you? I would have been fucked up too. You were absolutely perfect here, Rick. Did so good for me. I could damn near paddle your ass all night just because it's beautiful to watch how the skin bounces and turns red. Alright baby, let's get you off your feet and onto your knees."

Rick soaked in the praise like a salve, hardly registering as Negan pulled the slipknots of the silk scarves and his arms fell at his sides like useless slabs of meat.

Negan caught his weight with only a shallow grunt, letting Rick steady himself against him for a moment.

Once Rick started trying to find his feet, however, Negan lowered him slowly down rather than let him. "I said we'd get you on your knees, didn't I?"

His own ass cheek coming into contact with the back of his heel caused Rick to flinch from the pain, but he slowly settled into it, able to feel the heat of his skin there now. His one ass cheek was like a furnace.

The gag was unbuckled from the back of his head as Rick sat there on weak legs, and as the ball was pulled from his mouth a good amount of drool went with it. Rick winced self-consciously, unable to even see how much there had been because of the blindfold as his cheeks went pink.

The scarf around his eyes was slipped off next and it was like being undressed all over again, leaving him exposed and vulnerable as he met Negan's hazel gaze through wet lashes.

The man looked down upon him like he was a cherished possession, eyes soft and lustful at the same time as his tongue ran along his bottom row of teeth, barely visible through parted lips. "Damn... if you had any idea how beautiful you get when you get a lil' teary... those baby-blues of yours get so bright. And then being on your knees... shit." He sighed appreciatively.

Rick felt himself flushing with the praise, but he didn’t look away.

"Put your hands on the floor, Rick. Grab some carpet. Don't fuckin' move them until I tell you otherwise."

Rick maintained his eye contact as he leaned forward to do so, sinking his fingers into the short shag of the carpet, getting a good reminder of how soft it was. Negan kept the red scarf that had been around Rick's head in his fist for now, telling Rick they weren't done with it yet without words.

With his free hand he unfastened the button of his tight jeans. Sometimes he would make Rick use his tongue and teeth to carefully free his cock from there. A few times Rick had done the same to Negan when roles were switched, though Rick wasn't so courteous as to unfasten the top button. Negan could be surprisingly capable, however; especially the man's mouth. He liked to sometimes chuckle in Rick's ear that the brunette was actually the crueler out of the two of them for little things like that.

This time Negan must have been feeling either merciful or impatient, because he freed himself fully, giving Rick only a moment's eyeful of the girthy cock before gripping his hair and yanking him forward.

Rick's options were to either let his hair be torn out or open up- or drop their safe-word, of course- so he opened up and moaned when his mouth was filled with the thickness of Negan pressing against his tongue and cheeks. He had to cap his teeth with his own lips to ensure no scratching. It was hard to breathe around even before Negan forced it in deeper against the back of Rick's throat, but Rick managed to groan anyway over the heady sensation it created within him when Negan did that.

"Jesus," the man purred above him, pushing even deeper till Rick's throat tightened around the tip of the intrusion and nearly caused him to gag. "Sorry Darlin', bear with me. You know how it fuckin' turns me on to get you gagging on my cock hard enough to wet those stunning eyes of yours."

Rick did know, in fact, and just the thought of it nearly caused him to tremble with reciprocated desire. Negan pulled back only a little, enough to drive forward even harder, even deeper and indeed Rick's eyes watered as he choked around the new gag he was given. He looked up at Negan as the man's hips picked up a rhythm and the way Negan bit at his own lips and dug his fingers harder into Rick's hair when he did so told him that it was the right move to make. Negan's cock throbbed noticeably down Rick's throat and he thought for a moment the man had cum then and there, but Negan pulled out with a couple curses and a breathless groan.

"Damn it... nearly fuckin' spent my load already," he gasped. That hand in Rick's hair tightened again along with the man's smile and Negan forced him to look up at him even more till his whole back was arched, but Rick's hands remained planted. "Not that you'd complain, right? We both know how fuckin' hungry you can get for it. Suck it all down like a fat kid at a candy buffet, don't you?"

Rick didn’t say anything. They both knew Negan wasn't just talking smack.

Negan chuckled and licked his lips to wet them before bringing the scarf forward for Rick to clearly see again. "Alright, Ricky-boy, hands on my hips. Now."

Rick let himself obey without hesitation, placing his hands over the smooth warm skin on either side of Negan's hips. Negan tied the scarf methodically around one of Rick's wrists, and then the other, leaving a gap between them just as wide as where they rested now. He left an extension of scarf dangling free on either side.

Rick knew what was coming from this and he fought not to groan low in his throat from the fondness of the memory as his own cock throbbed.

Negan held onto the loose ends for a moment, allowing Rick to grab hold of the red silk next to his wrists. Rick knew it would seem like hanging onto a lifeline in a few minutes.

"Good, hands down now," Negan instructed, letting go of the scarf.

Rick retained his grip but dropped his hands in front of him, just barely to either side of his own pelvis. The slack of the scarf between them slid softly across the front of him, barely brushing the base of his cock. Negan moved very slowly around to stand behind him once he was satisfied with the positioning of the red scarf.

"Get that ass up in the air for me," he ordered.

Rick leaned forward on his hands over the carpet again till his forehead lightly rested against it, cheeks burning at how open it made him feel, knowing that Negan was taking in the view from behind him.

There was a slow appreciative whistle through the room and then he heard the shuffling sound of Negan removing his own boots and pants. More shuffling as Negan knelt down on the floor behind him and ran slow hands over Rick's bare ass and thighs. His thumb grazed the back of Rick's balls and taint once and Rick shivered at the feel as Negan continued to pet and appraise him.

The soft click of a lube bottle being opened was music to Rick's ears and he gasped when the first cold drop landed right on his asshole, un-warmed by Negan's fingers at all.

"Easy now, deep breaths," the man reminded him before his fingers started stroking over Rick's hole, slowly working him open and warming him up.

Rick grit his teeth and moaned deeply when the first finger breeched him, only to writhe and buck when a second one joined it almost right away. The stretch was overwhelming to his mind and body for a moment, stinging and shorting out his thoughts till they were once more focused entirely on the feel of what Negan was doing to him. It was a headspace that Rick loved to be in, just as with the paddle. Negan could often enough walk him along that edge of pain and pleasure that led to it.

He didn’t move for a little bit after he got two fingers in deep, letting Rick adjust around him in both ways. Once his breathing evened out again and he started to relax Negan then started moving once more, in and out, crooking his fingers just enough till they managed to find and brush Rick's prostate.

Rick's back snapped into an arch at the feel as a gasping groan tore itself out of his throat, and Negan chuckled and worked him harder in response till Rick's cock was hard enough to drip on the carpet underneath him.

After Rick started fucking himself back onto three easily and eagerly enough, Negan swapped out his fingers for something a little thicker that they both would enjoy. He pulled Rick’s hips back against him, letting his cock rest overtop of Rick’s ass, no doubt comparing the size of himself to the plane of Rick’s ass to get an idea of just how full he was about to make him. A satisfied noise escaped the back of Negan’s throat. “Damn, you’re gonna swallow this monster up, Darlin’. Gonna feel it all the way up in your fuckin’ throat all over again!”

“Negan!” Rick bit out, desperate for the man to stop teasing him now. “Do it if you’re not all talk.”

Rick nearly came apart as the man lined them up and pressed forward to fill him like nothing else could, feeling connected and removed from the world all at the same time as his body adjusted and formed around Negan.

Once he was in balls-deep he gave Rick's ass a soft pat to let him know. "When you're ready, Rick. Keep your head down so you don’t face plant this time."

Rick snickered to himself at the memory of how Negan had freaked when Rick had lost balance and slammed his face into the carpet the last time they had used the scarf like this. He hadn't been hurt really, but it took several minutes to convince Negan of that despite all the rough treatment they liked to sometimes play around with.

Rick kept his head against the carpet this time as he started rocking his hips back and forth a bit on Negan's thick cock. The moment it started to slide with ease was when Negan made his move, knowing at that point he wouldn’t hurt Rick too much to start working him how he wanted.

He grabbed the silk ends of the scarf and made reins out of them, pulling back sharply on them so Rick's hands flew out from under him and became trapped next to his own hips. That was how he had face planted the last time. The carpet dug into his cheek and shoulder without the balance assistance and his movements were entirely up to the mercy and direction of the man behind him. The length of scarf between his wrists harnessed across the front of his pelvis and made it possible for Negan to pull him back onto his cock much faster and far more sharply than if he just gripped Rick's hips with his bare hands.

He didn’t hesitate, jerking the reins back towards himself, snapping Rick back onto his cock. The moment he released the tension Rick would practically fall forward off of him, only for Negan to snap him right back with another quick jerk.

It was otherworldly to be fucked so inhumanly fast, and so little assistance was needed. Fucked damn near out of his mind and ridden like a horse racing down a track from the starting line. Rick was hardly even aware of the noises he made, but he knew they were falling out of him freely and he couldn’t care less, hardly able to catch his breath around the intense sensation when he was being fucked so thoroughly from the word go.

Negan pushed into him strongly without reprieve, cock becoming even harder inside of him. Rick groaned at the feeling of being split open wide for the man fucking into him, feeling Negan's intense gaze on his back and where they were joined even without looking back.

The restraints on his wrists kept his hands trapped at his sides, a double torture because it denied him the ability to stroke himself, which Rick desperately wanted to do as his orgasm licked at the base of his balls, tightening them up as his cock throbbed.

He pulled against the restraints, but Negan caught what he was doing right away and snapped the reins tight once more, impaling Rick deep on his cock with a breathless laugh and slapping his hand across the side of Rick's sole abused ass cheek in reprimand. Rick yelped as it burned him. "Sneaky fucker. Tryin' to take back the reins? Fat fuckin' chance. You're coming on my cock, Baby. I promise you that."

Negan switched the reins over to one hand so he could keep jerking Rick's body back against himself as he moved further up on Rick to drill down into him, changing the angle to slam directly against the brunette's prostate almost violently. Rick could hardly contain his shouts, though they were far from pained as Negan rode him hard to the brink of his orgasm.

When Rick was right there on the edge Negan grabbed his curls with his free hand at the roots and yanked Rick's head back hard so he could lean over him enough to snare his mouth in a harsh kiss, swallowing down Rick's cries.

It was enough to tip the balance, and Rick trembled and came hard untouched, warmth flooding him from toes to nose with euphoric bliss as he stroked his tongue against Negan's desperately.

Rick's orgasm caused spasms in his muscles, including the one Negan was trapped within, and the man growled long and low against Rick's lips as he followed right along. The feel of Negan's cum filling him was just bliss on bliss and Rick broke the kiss gasping for air as his body continued to tremble.

It took the last of Negan's strength just to lower Rick softly forward onto the floor. The brunette could feel the man behind him starting to tremble too from taxed muscles. The ground was heavenly to Rick's lax body.

Negan collapsed over top of him for a moment to pant alongside of him before he could find the strength to properly roll off. He rested his forehead against the damp curls at Rick's neck as they both basked.

Rick damn near purred when he felt the man's strong arms wrap around him, wiggling in between his chest and the floor to cradle him closer up against the man at his back.

They were both already hot and sweaty, so close cuddling wasn’t ideal, but neither seemed willing to pull back from it.

Rick clung hard physically and mentally to these moments more than any other. With his mind buzzing but blissfully empty of any worry or stress, thoughts scrambled from pleasure and exhaustion, it was an intense natural high. Negan's sweat-slicked skin against so much of his own fueled the addiction as it made him feel connected to something. It took away that constant feeling of loneliness for just a few blissful moments. Negan held him just as tightly and Rick knew without them ever having spoken about it that it was for the same reasons. He was as much Negan's medicine as Negan was his. In these moments they were healed of their grief, temporary as it might be.

_It's not really medicine_ , a mean but knowing little voice inside Rick insisted- putting the first crack in the shield of euphoria that protected them both against the outside world-, _it's codependency. You enable each other with these small highs so neither of you have to actually deal with your greif._

Rick didn’t realize he had grown tense at all until Negan shifted behind him to hold him even closer. The lips peppering kisses against the back of his neck and shoulder helped to temper those mean but truthful little thoughts in his head. Numbing it out with a little more of their shared drug. Negan did that for Rick. Rick did that for Negan.

They were both smart men. They both could clearly see the situation they had fallen into together. They never once spoke about any of this, but they knew the other was fully aware too and just as unwilling to voice it. If they voiced it they would shatter the illusion they had built together. They would have to cut themselves off. They would have to face their traumas.

Rick didn’t actually think he was strong enough to do it. When he had been alone and forced to deal he had almost sworn he had _seen_ Lori. He had nearly lost his mind. He didn’t ever want to have to deal with it again.

With Negan he didn’t have to, and it had been so for four years now.

It wasn’t love, which was why it hadn’t progressed. Neither of them had ever expressed wanting more from each other. This unhealthy codependence was as close to love as either of them could stand, but they both relied heavily upon it.

Negan continued to place numbing kisses at Rick's back till he found the strength to roll over underneath him. Now facing up at him, Rick returned the affection, giving Negan his fix as well as he pressed his lips to the other man's and held him close.

In a few minutes they would both get dressed. They would small talk a bit. Negan might crack a few final jokes Rick's way. There would be no sweet words or false declarations made, and they wouldn't speak for a few days till one of them started needing another fix. Another little pick-me-up. Then they would make another arrangement to see each other and start this all over again.

Rick kissed Negan deeply as though it would hold them both over for longer between now and next time.

It wouldn't. Even if Negan didn’t contact him, the second that Rick's ass cheek stopped aching and he could no longer feel the phantom touch of Negan on his skin he would start jones-ing for it all over again.

Negan broke the kiss long enough to flash a pearly smile down at him and Rick shivered. As he returned it and pulled Negan back down for yet another kiss he figured to himself that at least the man was a beautiful addiction.  


**Author's Note:**

> please leave a Kudos and review  
> thank you for reading!


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